Really?

Okay.  I'm asking, really??  I shake my head at the absurdity of my attempts to blog.  May of 2014 was my attempt to begin writing again. And it stopped right there.  I want to bang my head on the way, delete the previous post so I can "start clean again" and even say "well, I have been writing but it's been on paper". I could fool you with words, but not myself.  I know the truth.  Why is this so difficult for me? UGH!  Life has had it's major downers for me for the last 5 years or so.  I have been in the trenches and while I know that God has brought me through them and I've survived, I feel that it is all I'm doing. I'm surviving.  Now don't get me wrong, I've had some serious joys in my life the last 5 years (namely the birth of 6 grandchildren), but it doesn't seem to last.  Is that me? What is going on here?  Life seems to be spinning crazily while I am standing still and not pursuing things that are real desires for me.  I know that I am pushing things out of my life and arguing that I don't have the time.  I want to make time.

Now, that out of the way, here is my serious blog today.  I don't want to discuss the fact that my incredible failure is leading me to "start again".  I'm seriously posting about a real topic. (Maybe that's been my problem).

Thought for today:  My mind has been swirling the last month with the state of the world.  While I know that it is evident that the Lord's return is soon, I can't help but think about the "what is it going to be like to be face to face with Jesus"?  I see so many people who are acquaintances, friends, and church members that I view as "watered down Christians".  Believe me, I do not want to be judgmental or appear "holier than thou".  My real concern that I want to know - is that how I appear to others?  I'm sure it is because that is how I appear to myself.  Why isn't my faith more real? More active? Without bogging down in mire and self-reflection, I want to determine what is truly meant in Matthew 7:21-23 when Jesus said "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!"

I don't want salvation as fire protection, and I don't want to say I'm a Christian because it is a popular club.  The fact is this; I accepted Christ as my Saviour when I fully realized that I could not get to heaven without Him.  He was and IS the only way.  I know this for fact.  But did I make Him my Lord?  I pray sometimes, I read my Bible sometimes, I endevour to follow Him. Sometimes. I really don't think that qualifies as making Him Lord of my life.  It is more of making him friend and confidant when it's convenient for me.  There are fine lines between being dogmatically legalistic, a "Jesus Freak" and then too casual which I consider to be a watered down Christian. Goodness! What is a Christian girl to think and do?  So, here I am, setting out on my study and quest to determine the truth.  I have an internal tendency to say that it all has to do with love, and grace and total dispensational truths.  But I want to KNOW the truth.  I no longer want to rely on what I have always learned. Most of all, I no longer want to be satisfied with watered down Christianity that goes with the flow of the world: justifying sin when it's convenient for me and standing "for the faith" when it's convenient for me.  There are truly many facets to this study I am about to embark on.  I may never finish it. What a wonderful thought that I will consume my time from now on just continually studying.  Taking a deep breath, here I go.  There, I've said it, put it out there, and I'm accountable for following through. Laying aside my compulsive need to be perfect in writing and blog every day.  I will continue to blog what I learn and what my thoughts are about this journey.  I want to be more like Jesus to everyone I meet and the one I look at in the mirror.  I want to hear Jesus say "well done, good and faithful servant".

Feel free to comment and share ideas if you think I am getting off into the weeds, but please understand if I don't take your advice, or don't agree.  I'm doing this with much prayer and the Holy Spirit's guidance.